


While You were Sleeping, this Happened

by Algol



Category: Fire Emblem: Kakusei | Fire Emblem: Awakening
Genre: Crack, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-01-01
Updated: 2017-01-01
Packaged: 2018-09-14 00:02:13
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,159
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9148015
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Algol/pseuds/Algol
Summary: A Battle Royale for Prince Chrom's hand in marriage? Is that really what it says Frederick?Get ready to rumble ladies (and Robin) because Chrom is waiting for you to break his celibate curse.Yes, you have to go too Robin.No I don't think you look like a woman. But you're going.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Pure, unadulterated crack. I had fun.

The painfully early light of a new day blinded Robin’s sleep-deprived eyes. Only moments ago he was blissfully asleep, dreaming of battles won and accolades piled on top of medals doled out by a handsomely smiling Chrom. It had been wonderful until his dream bubble unceremoniously popped the moment Frederick had entered his chamber, loudly proclaiming Robin was late for something that sounded archaic and stupid. To Frederick that was unacceptable. 

So that was how Robin ended up outside, sheltering his eyes from the sun as he stood in front of what looked like every female member of the Shepherds as they milled about, chatting pleasantly and completely ignoring Robin’s misery.

Frederick suddenly cleared his throat and boomed, “Now that we are all here, I shall begin!”

The ladies all faced Frederick, eyes bright and alert. Robin yawned and rubbed his eyes.

Frederick continued. “Welcome to the Maritus Bellum, a noble tradition dating back to Exalt Arete, preceded by his father Exalt Tyral and continued by his sons Rand, Eustice, and successor, Exalt Jural…”

Robin began to zone out, focusing instead on the birds chirping merrily in the courtyard trees and thoughts of warming his bed as soon as Frederick concluded the long-winded introduction to whatever the hell “Maritus Bellum” was supposed to be. He yawned again. 

Then Robin’s ears quickly turned back to Frederick when he heard, loud and clear, “So let us begin the battle royale for Prince Chrom’s hand in marriage! This parchment, which I might remind all of you is legal and binding, says all eligible ladies in service to Prince Chrom are to participate." Frederick paused, squinting for a moment before taking out a pair of small silver reading glasses. "All ladies...and Robin apparently.”

Robin’s mouth dropped. "What!?"

"Well the lettering is quite clear here." Frederick tapped his parchment.

Robin stepped forward, sputtering indignantly, "I'm not an eligible lady!"

Frederick hummed thoughtfully. "Well someone thought to include you for a reason."

"Give me that!" Robin snatched the aged parchment from Frederick. There had to be some mistake. "This is ridiculous," Robin laughed nervously. 

Frederick slid his glasses into a vest pocket. "We Ylisseans take tradition very seriously Robin. If an ancient writ says you must participate then you must do so."

"How is that possible? I'm singled out by name!" Robin entreated the crowd but they simply shrugged and patiently waited for Frederick to continue. Finding no solidarity there, Robin turned back to Frederick.

"The sage writing this thought you would be a woman perhaps?" The knight supplied.

"What sort of sage would do that!?"

"Perhaps he forsawed...foresoothed? Foreseeded? Whatever, he saw the future."

Robin tossed up his hands. "It's foresaw! And what the crap Frederick!" The man was making no sense at all.

Frederick’s eyes narrowed. "Are you defecating on our noble traditions?"

"No! And eww."

Frederick straightened to his full, rather intimidating height before fixing Robin with a stern glare. "You're expected to compete by law Robin."

Robin rolled up the parchment and pointed the end at Frederick. "You forget--I'm not Ylissean. This doesn't apply to me." Then he added smugly, "It must be some other Robin, a woman by that name."

Frederick was not deterred. "By all intents and purposes you are Ylissean, unless you want to revoke your rank. I very much doubt that is something which appeals to you."

Robin huffed. "Why are you being so tyrannical about this anyway?"

"If the wise sages of yore thought this the best way to secure a proper partner for the heir then it is my duty, and honor, to adhere unerringly to each rule set forth." Frederick’s severe expression sobered for a moment before adding, "This is for Chrom, so please go along. I know he wouldn't want us to ignore a rule set in stone hundreds of years ago just because it seems silly."

"Yes he would," Robin claimed. "This is Chrom we're talking about! He skirts tradition like its wildfire!"

Frederick puffed up. "Fine then! If you will not listen to reason you are ordered, by Prince Chrom’s proxy, to take part in the Maritus Bellum!"

"Fine as well! I will do your little dance," Robin threw the parchment at Frederick. "But I'm pissed about it." Frederick’s tenacity was ridiculous but Robin wasn’t about to burn any social bridges over mandatory participation in some backwards tradition. Robin and Frederick stared challengingly at one another before Robin blew out a long breath and marched back to the women assembled quietly in the courtyard. 

Frederick cleared his throat noisily. "We're still on for Tuesday I presume?"

"You're making me your best damn biscuits ever," Robin replied acidly, arms crossed.

Frederick smiled. "Of course."

So that was how Robin wound up in a battle royale for Chrom's hand in marriage. All of the contestants were told Chrom was under a sleeping spell at the top of a lone tower on a remote southern isle and were handed vials of antidote. The first to administer the antidote to Chrom was going to become Queen. Or perhaps Royal Consort in Robin’s case? It didn’t matter since Robin wasn’t going to try very hard to get to that tower. He was also appalled that no one seemed concerned for Chrom’s well-being. Did Chrom allow himself to be put under a curse or was it involuntary? Why was no one else concerned?

Looking around he thought it obvious that Cherche, Cordelia and Sumia had an advantage with their flying mounts but when he saw the aforementioned ladies on land mounts beside Sully and Olivia he assumed they weren't allowed the added mobility over the other contestants. Everyone was offered a horse to ride. Only Robin and Nowi turned down the offer.

On Robin's left stood Nowi quivering with excitement. 

"I didn't think you were interested in Chrom," Robin remarked casually. 

Nowi's eyes sparkled when she replied, "I want to be queen! I've never been a queen before, and I've always wanted a husband."

"Well you have a distinct advantage here." Robin smirked, amused by the idea of a manakete with the appearance of a child becoming queen. Poor Chrom. She would look twelve for the rest of his natural life.

"What? What advantage?" Nowi's mouth dropped.

Robin's mouth quirked into a knowing smile. "You can turn into a dragon and simply fly to the island."

"Oh." She looked pensive before continuing, "That's cheating Robin! Nope I'm gonna win fair and square!"

As Robin looked about he saw fire in the eyes of his female comrades, each one determined to win. So he saw no reason he shouldn't just let them compete against one another, it wasn't as if Frederick was going to make sure Robin put in enough effort. 

The silly contest was designed to determine the next Ylissean queen. That had nothing to do with Robin.

Nothing at all.

Then why did he have the distinct impression everyone was staring at him?


End file.
